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Weak XXII

28 May 2023

No. 2,919 (cartoon)

Let’s do something unspeakably filthy and obscene in the third panel.

I’ll turn off the lights and meat you there.

29 May 2023

Ain’t Love Grand?

Enrico told me that his romantic relationship with Abbie was kaput for the usual reason: they wanted different things.

“Was it one of the big three, money, sex, or children?” I asked.

“No,” he replied, “I wanted someone to grow old with and she wanted someone to stay young with.”

“Yep,” I agreed, “that sure sounds like one of your basic irreconcilable differences right there.”

Ain’t love grand!

(It is until it ain’t.)

30 May 2023

Awe Uncourant

Byron told me that my Internet site looked like it hadn’t been redesigned in over ten years and had the fusty presence of, “some old long-haired guy in dirty jeans and a t-shirt reeking of patchouli oil.”

I never wear patchouli oil, so I didn’t take it personally. I pointed out that he was demonstrably wrong; I haven’t changed the design in over thirteen years. I added that it doesn’t matter anyway; it’s just a matter of time before this whole Internetty fad passes. I’m not going to waste a day of the dwindling time I have left trying to make my Internet site look awe courant.

Alfred Stieglitz, who knew his groceries, was proven right when he predicted in 1897, “Photography is a fad well-nigh on its last legs, thanks principally to the bicycle craze.”

Photography is dead, and the Internet will be soon as well. You can bet your bippy on that and take it to the bank.

31 May 2023

Numerical Cycling Considerations

I gots to keep my scientifical claws sharp, so on my bike ride today I pedaled a straight line on a flat road directly from here to here to there and back again. It took me twenty-eight minutes luffing and chuffing into the howling wind to get there, but only eleven minutes to return. That same ride on a calm day usually takes around forty minutes, so it all adds up, what with the laws of physics and all. (I’m not going to insult anyone’s intelligence by mentioning the distances involved; that’s obvious to anyone with a basic understanding of trigonometry.)

Beyond the intellectual rigors of cycling on a blowy, blustery day, I appreciate the false sense of physical fitness it gives me when I’m muffing and snuffing into the wind as well as when I’m zipping along with the breezy boost.

On second thought I shouldn’t be so snooty; the missing number in the first paragraph is forty-two, which is also the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Coincidence? I think knot.

1 June 2023

Sixty-Eight Millimeters Total Sunlight Accumulation

Cecelia wasn’t satisfied when I told her that it was very sunny here in the desert; she wanted to know just how sunny it was. That gave me an idea.

I grabbed my serious camera, my tripod, my Geographical Society of America photo scale/focus guide, and a tall, frosty can of ale, then headed out into the desert heat to create Sixty-Eight Millimeters Total Sunlight Accumulation, 35.55N 1058.97W, 19:36 UTC 1 June 2023.

Measuring rainfall provides weeks of slow-motion entertainment, but it’s a frustrating pursuit out here in the desert. Calculating sunshine accretion, though, satisfies at the speed of light.

2 June 2023

Where Tourists Go to Die

Cedric is amused that marine biologists are collating their collective crania trying to figger out why a gargantuan glob of fetid seaweed thousands of kilometers long, formally known as the Great Atlantic sargassum belt, attached itself to the Florida coast like a giant parasite looking for a host. He explained the phenomenon in one word: food.

The decomposing algae are chock full o’ the flesh-eating Vibrio bacteria, and for them, the Florida coast is a vast smorgasbord of corpulent, fleshy tourists. Sure, once in a while a shark gets lucky, but that still leaves a steady stream of tubby tourists on which to feast. I’m sure it won’t be too long before the Florida Tourist Board promotes the state as a weight loss destination. After all, why diet when you can lose weight naturally just lounging on the beach?

Even better, Florida’s führer, er, governor, can change his catchphrase to, “Florida: where tourists go to die.”

3 June 2023

Danke Schön?!

Antoinette and two of her girlfriends went to Las Vegas for the weekend. Why oh why oh why would anyone do that?

Well, since you asked, I’ll tell you.

There are only four reasons to go to Las Vegas: sex, drugs, gambling, and Wayne Newton. The first three are readily available almost anywhere, so that leaves Wayne Newton. And sure enough, he has a “residency” at the Flamingo Hotel. I’ve heard that some pretty bizarre stuff goes on there, but traveling all that way to see Wayne Newton is an order of magnitude weirder than anything Hunter S. Thompson ever documented.

Danke Schön?!

You’re welcome.

4 June 2023

Carpenter Ant Mountain

Once upon a time I put seven logs by the fireplace, and never upon a time did I burn them, so I resolved to haul them back to the woodpile for the summer. Several months elapsed between the decision and action, and when I finally got to work I discovered quite a visual treat.

Unlike my slothful self, carpenter ants had been diligently toiling for months to create seven little mountains of sawdust. When I photographed my favorite one to make Carpenter Ant Mountain, I discovered that it was made of some sort of ornate crystals.

Ant feces? Processed wood fiber? Beats me; I’m neither an etymologist nor an entomologist. It kinda looks like Tahoma, and that’s good enough for me.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart