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24 December 2019

No. 2,572 (cartoon)

They’re all dead!

You were expecting?

25 December 2019

Outliving Jesus

Today is Luciana’s thirtieth birthday. The Christian holiday has no religious significance for her. Instead, she views it as something of a competitive milestone.

“If I can just make it four more years,” she explained, “I’ll have outlived Jesus.”

I’m not sure if I should have repeated that in case some religious zealots decide to crucify her. Appearances can be deceiving; things in general and humans in particular haven’t really changed that much in the last couple millennia.

26 December 2019

Christmas Warning

Nell dislikes Christmas even more than I do, so I was happy to accept her invitation to visit her place, “for a little holiday project.”

She showed me a stack of forged warning notices she’d printed on her apartment building’s stationery.

NOTICE

All Christmas lights, signage, and other decorations must be removed from public view before December 28. Violators will be fined $250, plus $50 for every additional day of violation.

Sincerely,

The Management

We slid over a hundred of them under every door in her huge apartment complex before returning for celebratory drinks. I confided that I finally felt the Christmas spirit for the first time in decades.

27 December 2019

Accelerated Genealogical Aging

Imogen is going on and on and on some more about her family history. She said something about one of her distant relatives being a salmon plucker in Versailles for some obscure prince, or something like that. Or maybe it was something else. I wasn’t really paying attention.

My favorite definition of getting old is when one looks backward instead of forward. She’s twenty or thirty years younger than me in chronological years, yet much, much older. Genealogy will do that to a person, yawn.

28 December 2019

My Wonderful Career

Gertrude asked me how I was going to develop my career in 2020. (It seems strange to type the year “2020” for the first time, but I’ll get used to it.)

I explained that I wasn’t planning on making any changes. I’ve made a great career out of not having a career; this is no time to tinker with a successful strategy. I suppose my career approach reflects one of my core beliefs: the only way to win the game is not to play it.

29 December 2019

Addictive Noodles

I rarely eat out, but there are a few eateries I’d describe as almost addictive, such as Clarkes Fish Bar, Taqueria El Farolito, and La Choza. And then there are the restaurants that are literally addictive.

Sanjiang County Administration for Market Supervision investigators discovered a restauranteur in China’s Guangxi Province served noodles with opium in order to develop a loyal, er, addicted clientele. That makes perfect business sense to me: tobacco companies have successfully used the same strategy for decades, and drugging customers is a lot easier than learning how to cook.

This instance may be news, but dozens of Chinese restaurants have done the same thing, and those are just the ones the authorities noticed.

I’m not worried about drugged noodles. I’d never eat at a place where the dish was overpriced to cover the cost of the added opium. And anyway, I rarely eat at restaurants, especially when it comes to something I can concoct myself, such as addictive noodles.

I don’t add opiates to my noodles to keep people craving more, that’s just stupid, as well as expensive and illegal. I use copious quantities of capsaicin to keep friends coming back for more ... as soon as their light burns heal.

30 December 2019

Oaklandish

I’m staying in Birdy’s warehouse in Oakland, California. I’m clearly not familiar with Oakland culture; I can’t tell the difference between fireworks explosions and gunfire. I’m not worried, though; I’m sure I’ll be fine as long as I stay away from the windows.

31 December 2019

Here and There (Diptych)

As I was about to complete archiving all things 2019, I discovered a piece I made in September that I never disseminated. That’s probably because of my usual sloth and neglectfulness, but I can’t help but wonder if it was a subconscious decision. I like the concept, but I was and am unsure whether I’m satisfied with the way I fabricated Here and There (Diptych) in two dimensions.

And that’s hwow my calendar year ended on a whimper. That’s not ideal, but I’d rather be questioning than blindly self-satisfied.

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©2019 David Glenn Rinehart