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Weak III

15 January 2015

No. 326 (cartoon)

I have something very important to tell you.

That’s not going to happen.

Can’t you see that we’re out of squares?!

16 January 2015

I’ll Be Grateful When They’re Dead

It’s not often that I awake to good news, but today began on a great note when I read the headline, “Grateful Dead to Reunite.”

Huzzah!

But how would the mediocre musicians reunite? If they all decided to overdose on cholesterol and drugs like Jerry Garcia, that could take some time, and nothing would please me more than seeing the forgettable performers cross the great divide sooner than later.

Maybe they’ll all hold hands and jump into a volcano or some other form of hippy suicide. Or maybe they could all go Terry Kath stylee: each of the surviving members of the pathetic ensemble could press a nine-millimeter pistol against his head, and proclaim, “Don’t worry about it ... look, the clip’s not even in it.”

And then ... BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM ... lights out in Marin and a good riddance of bad rubbish.

A guy can dream, can’t he?

17 January 2015

True Friends

Stephan is ridiculously paranoid; he insists that people are insulting him behind his back. This is clearly untrue; they are insulting him to his face. He’s fortunate that way. As Oscar Wilde noted, “A true friend stabs you in the front.”

18 January 2015

A Morning Without Coffee

Andrew’s uncle woke up dead this morning, and that was most certainly that.

19 January 2015

Styrofoam Smile

I walked by Sid’s Mattress Emporium this afternoon and caught a glimpse of a salesman through the showroom window. I couldn’t avoid seeing his artificial smile; at a glance it appeared that he’d replaced his teeth with light emitting diodes. That’s most improbable; it’s more likely that he bleached his teeth until they were the color of styrofoam, or perhaps he just has cheap styrofoam dentures.

I guess people trust a guy with a creepy smile to sell them a good mattress; I wouldn’t.

20 January 2015

Unavoidable Success

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the pros and cons of success, or, more accurately, quoted Joseph Heller’s observations on success and failure. Walter noticed that, and sent me a note saying that the entire concept of success was a dodgy construct that should be avoided. He then went on to contradict himself by quoting Charles Horton Cooley: “An artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one.”

I appreciate Walter’s inconsistencies; he’s generally entertaining and rarely boring.

21 January 2015

Butternut Squashed

Colleen announced that she had bad news to report as soon as I arrived at her place for dinner: the butternut squash she’d intended to be the main course had rotted. I suppressed a grin and feigned sadness; I’d just dodged a culinary bullet. I shall ’splain.

I normally abhor wasting food, but I make an exception for butternut squash. The vegetable violates one of my basic dining rules: avoid any food that takes three times as long to prepare as it does to eat.

I’d rather peel a truck muffler than a butternut squash; it would be much easier. Teutonic warriors used the skin of the butternut squash for their armor; it’s impervious to anything less than the blow of a heavy axe. The seeds and its vegetable entrails are equally difficult to remove; gutting a fawn is much easier.

Colleen told me that we were having pizza instead of squash, and apologized for being such a bad host. I didn’t admit that fat and salt was one of my favorite dishes, and instead cheerfully pointed out that the cheap wine I brought would go much better with pizza than with squash.

We enjoyed a lovely evening while the odious butternut squash continued to implode.

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©2015 David Glenn Rinehart