2008 Notebook: Weak XIV
gratuitous image
3 April 2008
No. 4,513 (cartoon)
I adore you.

You’re in trouble.

4 April 2008
Getting Stupider by the Day
I met up with Duane this afternoon for cocktails; he was in an ebullient mood. That’s not surprising; ebullience is one of the main building blocks of alcohol.

“I’m well on my way to enlightenment,” Duane announced in the middle of his third martini.

“Gin will do that to an hombre,” I agreed.

“That’s not what I was talking about,” Duane replied. “I’m getting stupider by the day; that’s the only sign of real wisdom.”

Maybe yes, maybe no; I didn’t argue. What we both soon discovered was that ordering a fifth martini was remarkably unwise, albeit for reasons that remain unclear.

5 April 2008
Childhood Memories
For some reason, all of my friends are talking about their childhood memories. About all I remember from my childhood is that it involved a lot of stupid rules and restrictions that prevented me from doing all the stupid things I wanted to do, the same stupid activities I enjoy today. My friends find it curious that I don’t remember specifics, but I don’t.

I don’t like to vegetate on my laurels, and so I rarely mention that when I was born, I was the youngest person in the western hemisphere. Given that I came into this world at such a young age, I’m not surprised that I remember almost nothing.

6 April 2008
No Corporate Nap Time
Theresa told me her company doesn’t allow employees to take naps. What an inane idea! How does anyone get any work done? I’d wager that the company doesn’t have a single gruntled employee.

7 April 2008
Evil Genius Gothic Penthouse
Amanda and I were walking around Oakland; she pointed out a sinister-looking Gothic penthouse on top of an old apartment building. It’s the kind of spooky place that’s always struck by lightning during thunderstorms. Or perhaps not, since for meteorological reasons far beyond my comprehension, thunderstorms rarely pass through here.

I told Amanda that I’d love to be an evil genius in a place like that. Amanda shot down my dream in mid-flight by noting I was neither evil nor a genius; she suggested that “annoying subintellectual” was a much more accurate epithet.

I had to agree; I’ll never live in a Gothic penthouse.

8 April 2008
Royal Toilet Counsel
George Frederick Ernest Albert dba George V advised, “Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance.” That’s not particularly sagacious advice, but it was one the the least unintelligent suggestions made by a member of the British royal family.

9 April 2008
The Father of the Electric Toothbrush and Vibrator
My dentist recommended that I use an electronic toothbrush, so I do. It’s a ubiquitous tool that’s been around forever, except it hasn’t. Everything has a creator or two; Dr. Philippe Guy E. Woog invented the electronic toothbrush in 1954.

Woog’s device is, of course, a mechanical contrivance, and thus, by definition, something with moving parts that breaks. For reasons that remain unclear to this very day, Woog ascertained from reports of damaged toothbrushes that women were using his gizmos as vibrators.

Let us be clear. Woog’s toothbrushes-cum-vibrators were not being used to soothe sore muscles or inflamed joints; these devices were repurposed to generate great smiles, albeit not through better dental hygiene.

Woog’s insights into theory versus practice led him to create an electronic vibrator, the Eroscillator. In one of the rare cases of truth in advertising, the Eroscillator was marketed as, “the science of pleasure.” The Eroscillator has long been superseded by more efficacious, modern devices such as the ubiquitous Hitachi Magic Wand. Ah, technology!

Toothbrushes, vibrators, computers, it’s all wonderful! After all, sometimes it takes more than one electronic device to create a great smile; ask any dentist.

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©2008 David Glenn Rinehart