2009 Notebook: Weak XXXV
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28 August 2009
No. 8,703 (cartoon)
I really don’t know you at all.

You’re fortunate.

29 August 2009
Matters Spermy
Helena told me that her mother Mabel had another rough day teaching schoolchildren.

Mabel reported that one of her students turned in a book report on Jane Austen’s novel, Emma. The freshman described the publication as, “one of Austen’s spermy works.”

It turns out that the student intended to use the word, “seminal,” but missed by a very wide margin, as sometimes happens when it comes to matters spermy.

30 August 2009
Demented Tennis
I’m not interested in sports, so I never heard of the tennis player, Elena Dementieva. Until today.

I thought she was great, but not because she was young and attractive. After all, all professional tennis players are young and attractive. No, I liked her surname, which sounds like a variation on the word, “demented.”

What a great name! If I were of the competitive persuasion, I’d be reticent to compete with someone who was truly demented.

I suppose that’s why I like art; there’s no rivalry involved. At least there’s not if it’s done right.

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31 August 2009
Fort Mason Spray Alignment
I enjoy a spectacular view from my bathroom. This morning, for example, I saw that the spray from a water sprinkler was perfectly aligned with one of the painted parking lines. How marvelous is that?!

Inspired, I photographed the spectacular spectacle. It was the first photograph I’ve ever made with a telephoto lens while sitting on a toilet seat. Probably the last, as well.

1 September 2009
Japanese Gin and Tonic
Dr. Tanaka asked me if I wanted a Japanese gin and tonic. I couldn’t refuse, so I didn’t.

She put a tall glass on the table and pulled out a bottle of gin and a tray of ice cubes out of the freezer, and put more of the former than the latter in the tumbler. She added a splash of tonic water, then asked me if I was ready to learn her secret. I couldn’t say no, so I didn’t.

She pulled out a chopstick, then explained that the secret of a Japanese gin and tonic.

One chopstick gently stirring, hai! So inscrutable!

2 September 2009
Macabre Speculation
I read about a particularly gruesome murder recently involving a fingerless, toothless corpse found is a bloody suitcase. Investigators identified the victim by tracing the serial numbers on her breast implants.

The macabre crime reminded me of a question Paul Merton once asked, a question that’s always fascinated me. The question is this:

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

I’m so glad that my work rarely involves mutilated human bodies.

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©2009 David Glenn Rinehart