2008 Notebook: Weak XVII
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24 April 2008
No. 8,996 (cartoon)
You’re a fraud.

You’re a slow learner.

25 April 2008
The Future Is Here
I went on an adventurous adventure today with Dr. Tanaka, and this is what we discovered: the future. We examined all the empirical evidence, looked for weaknesses in our methodologies, and concluded that this really was the future.

There’s never been another day like this before; this has to be the future. There’s no other possibility.

I’ve been waiting for the future for years if not all of my life, and I’m ridiculously happy.

Now what?

26 April 2008
Open Studios Strategy
Deirdre showed me a catalog of the artists participating in an open studios event this weekend, and asked for suggestions on which venues she should visit. After a quick glance at what was on offer, I pointed out a few promising possibilities.

“Why are you recommending all these vapid still life and landscape so-called artists?” Deirdre asked. “They’re wretchedly tedious.”

“It’s simple,” I replied, “the worst artists have the best snacks and wine. No one’s going to spend much time in a studio full of mediocre work unless they’re otherwise entertained.”

Deirdre was skeptical, but I’ve visited enough open studios to know that it’s silly to visit them looking for interesting art. On the other hand, insipid artists are generally great hosts. I’m going to stop writing now to avoid exploring the host/parasite metaphor.

27 April 2008
The Physics of Memory
“I can’t believe you had the nerve to show up here so soon,” Nancy said when I visited her studio.

“Um, nice to see you too,” I replied.

“So I guess you’re ignoring the incident at Brett’s party with the avocado, the broom, and the mayonnaise?” she inquired.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Let me give you a little hint,” Nancy continued, “Brett’s still trying to clean the drapes after your shenanigans.”

“Shenanigans? What shenanigans?” I shrugged. “If I don’t remember, it never happened.”

28 April 2008
A Lesson Lost
Alfred Kinsey reported, “Cheese crumbs spread in front of a copulating pair of rats may distract the female, but not the male.”

There’s a lesson there, but I’m not certain I want to know what it is. And with that observation, I’m off for some wine and cheese.

29 April 2008
Canned Salad
Rhonda invited me over to Amy’s place for “an informal smorgasbord dinner” with several other friends. The drinks were great, but the food was wretched, slabs and puddles of green glop of varying textures and viscosities. Amy explained that she and the girls were going camping, and that we were sampling different flavors of canned salad.

For decades, I’ve gone camping without canned salad. After tonight’s sampling, I imagine it will be another decade or two before canned salad is palatable. Oh well, at least all the wine I needed to cleanse my miserable palate made the evening memorable, barely.

30 April 2008
Diego Rivera Ugly and Frida Khalo Beautiful
Roscoe was lamenting his lack of romantic success. He lamented that even though he is “Diego Rivera ugly” he couldn’t find a girlfriend who is “Frida Khalo beautiful.”

“Diego Rivera was short and fat too,” Roscoe lamented, “but he didn’t seem to have a problem with women.”

“That’s only part of the picture,” I said. “You have to remember that in addition to Diego Rivera ugly he was also Diego Rivera smart, Diego Rivera political, and Diego Rivera creative.”

“Maybe I should be looking for someone like Frida Khalo except not so intelligent, beautiful, or artistic,” Roscoe suggested.

“That sounds like a workable compromise,” I agreed.

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©2008 David Glenn Rinehart