2008 Notebook: Weak X
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5 March 2008
No. 588 (cartoon)
You never listen, so why talk with me?

I don’t; I talk at you.

6 March 2008
Freeze-Dried Sperm
The difference between goodness and greatness often comes down to vision. And that’s why Ryuzo Yanagimachi is a genius.

Here’s Yanagimachi’s vision. “My dream is to keep sperm at room temperature.”

I suppose that’s an unusual dream, but if Yanagimachi only entertained mundane fantasies, who’d notice? Or care?

I think it’s a great idea. If Yanagimachi’s right, men will be, as the Brits would say, “surplus to requirements.” A planet of women is a great idea! But, as a lesbian, I would say that, wouldn’t I?

7 March 2008
Hitachi Global Storage Technologies versus Giant, Mutant, Radioactive Attack Spiders
Hoo boy, another day, another broken computer thingie. In this case, it’s a dead Hitachi hard drive. It’s still under warranty, so I filled out the necessary forms to get a replacement. And that’s when I came to this section: Export Compliance Certification. Before those inscrutable Japanese peddlers would send me a replacement drive, I had to assent to this statement.

    I agree that Hitachi Global Storage Technologies products will not be used for the design, development, manufacturing, testing, stockpiling, or use of biological, nuclear, missile or chemical weapons.

Fortunately, it appears I can use Hitachi Global Storage Technologies products to create a new species of giant, mutant, radioactive attack spiders, so it looks like I should be back at work on my new project very soon. I wouldn’t be surprised if the vicious arachnids head straight for Hitachi Global Storage Technologies’ legal staff soon after they’re released.

8 March 2008
The Secret of Longevity
I know the secret of longevity; it’s simple. If you want to live for a hundred years, just drink a can of Rainier Ale every day for a hundred years.

Why anyone would want to live that long, this I do not know. That’s why, on some days, I don’t drink any Rainier Ale at all. After all, one can’t be too cautious, especially with so much good, cheap wine around.

9 March 2008
My Lost Hour
Today is only twenty-three hours long; dang! The gazumbas who came up with this scheme promise to address this deficit by providing a twenty-five hour day in November. I hope I live long enough to retrieve my stolen hour.

I was going to spend an hour exercising today, but since I lost an hour, I guess I won’t. After all, the nine hours I set aside for general rumination and sipping wine are sacrosanct.

10 March 2008
The Attraction of Los Angeles Explained
I’ve never understood why so many intellectually challenged people live in Los Angeles. Until today, that is.

As Andrea astutely pointed out, “LA” is easy to spell.

11 March 2008
Make Your Own Jargon Day
Today is Make Your Own Jargon Day, and that makes me as chuffed as a herd of tuna in a mayonnaise forest. I’m approaching the kerfuffle with the sonorous resolution of a balsa wood tuba; huzzaroo!

I’m taking the marmot sieve approach to the frilly conundrum, that way the iridescent ice cubes of destiny won’t melt on my frosty banana passions. I know how to eat a vertical sedentary pie in a hailstorm of flaccid lemon marshmallows, so my “Hawai’ian Himalayas” approach just might be the sneaky coal shim that does the trick! In any case, it’s better to have tweaked the gazebo than to have never antagonized unsuitably aggressive invertebrates.

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12 March 2008
Klara’s Fabulous Birthday
Klara had a fantabulous birthday party, at least the parts I can remember. I shouldn’t tell anyone her chronological age, so I won’t. In any case, fifty is just a big, round number, albeit a number used to describe old people saddled with the downward spiral of decrapitude.

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©2008 David Glenn Rinehart