2007 Notebook: Weak XLIV
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30 October 2007
No. 1,522 (cartoon)
You’re insane.

Sanity wasn’t efficacious.

31 October 2007
All Hallow Even
“It’s Halloween,” Sandra announced, “so what’s scary?”

“Poets scare me,” I replied. “Anything is better than a poet.”

“Nothing is better than a poet,” she insisted.

“That proves my point,” I continued. “If anything is better than nothing, and if nothing is better than a poet, then anything is better than a poet.”

“Your sophomoric logic scares me,” Sandra concluded.

Having achieved an appropriately scary atmosphere, we went on to enjoy a lovely All Hallow Even.

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1 November 2007
Enlarge Boardroom Satisfaction
I’ve had the same Internet mail address for well over a decade, so I get a lot of unsolicited commercial propositions, colloquially referred to as “spam.” All the offers for immediate weight loss and imminent financial gain are clearly fraudulent, but no scheme is more unlikely than the advertisements for penis enlargements.

The unnerving thing about these solicitations is that, given the basic rules of commerce, they wouldn’t exist without a market. In other words, people are buying these various flavors of snake oil.

Today, one morsel of spam made it past my Internet filters, a crude suggestion to, “Enhance You [sic] Meat to Enlarge Boardroom Satisfaction.” I think the perfidious merchants meant “bedroom,” not “boardroom,” but it’s hard to tell since the scammers don’t appear to be au fait with the English language.

The scoundrels also took an unconventional approach to visual language. In order to convey their message that men should buy their flapdoodle in order to have a gargantuan penis, the scalawags included a diptych of a diminutive Asian woman wearing only a lifejacket and high-heel shoes beside a skinned, meter-long penis and testes.

Dang; it’s the day after Halloween and I’m still scared.

2 November 2007
Guinea Pigs
I read that scientists don’t use guinea pigs in laboratory experiments any more, so I guess they’re not really guinea pigs. The guinea pigs, that is.

3 November 2007
Revisiting Half Moon Bay
Tonight is the first time I’ve been in Half Moon Bay since my last visit here. It’s curious; everything that isn’t the same looks different. That makes perfect sense; the past is never like it used to be.

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4 November 2007
The Crab Lice Crisis
I have a small, sad story about endangered wildlife. Or, more accurately, a sad story about endangered small wildlife, the crab lice.

The Rotterdam Natural History Museum curators are having a hard time finding a single crab louse for their collections. They fear the creatures may be headed for extinction because of the widespread destruction of the creatures’ natural habitat: pubic hair.

The researchers based their fears, in part, on an article in The Journal of Sexually Transmitted Infections. The study’s authors concluded that since so many women have shaved their pubic hair, the population of pubic lice had declined dramatically.

“When the bamboo forests that the Giant Panda lives in were cut down, the bear became threatened with extinction,” curator Kees Moeliker explained. “Pubic lice can’t live without pubic hair.”

I don’t think the situation’s that dire; there’s been almost no wildlife in the Netherlands for centuries.

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©2007 David Glenn Rinehart