2007 Notebook: Weak III
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15 January 2007
No. 8,599 (cartoon)
I’m as good as my word.

Your word is meaningless.

I’m as good as my word.

16 January 2007
The Sound of No Hands Clapping
Gareth was in town with his band tonight; he put on a wonderful show. I quite enjoyed it, especially since he gave me a free ticket. At the end of the performance, the crowd applauded for at least five minutes.

Eventually, Gareth returned to the stage to announce that he wouldn’t do an encore.

“I heard some of you not clapping,” he explained before walking off the stage.

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17 January 2007
Buzz came by and announced that he’d acquired a case of JB. Since Buzz is a trusted friend, I didn’t ask him if there was a chance I might get JB from being in the same room with; it’s bad manners to ask for specifics about a friend’s possibly communicable disease.

Turns out JB isn’t an ailment at all, it’s exactly the opposite: JB is the two-character acronym for JosephsBrau beer. We enjoyed the Oktoberfest, even though it was only seventy-three percent as strong as Rainier Ale, and the diminutive beer bottle was twenty-five percent smaller than the familiar green cans of ale.

(Curiously, the Oktoberfest has twenty-five bitterness units, a measurement I’ve never heard of before, probably because it’s irrelevant to beer’s raison d’être.)

Buzz opined that the Oktoberfest would taste better with music, and requested that I play some James Brown recordings.

“In memory of his recent demise?” I asked.

“No,” Buzz replied, “it’s the subliminal message on the JB bottle cap; I feel like I’m channeling James Brown.”

“I don’t know much about Brown’s chemical inspirations,” I said, “but I always figured him for an angel dust type of hombre. After all, not many people try to outrun the cops in a car with flat tires after a few beers.”

18 January 2007
Dimes Are the New Pennies
A couple of days ago I found a dime on a busy street. Today I found another one.

Although I have found coins from time to time, it’s usually just the odd penny or two. The most I’ve ever found is $1.22.

Now that I’m finding more dimes than pennies, I wonder if inflation is worse than I realized?

19 January 2007
Strange Drinking Death
Jennifer Lea Strange drank herself to death during a contest. At first, that sad story sounds fairly predictable; what mother of three wouldn’t drink heavily? In this case, the twenty-eight year old was vying with seventeen other contestants to see who could drink the most without urinating. A Sacramento radio station promised the winner of the competition an expensive video game.

Here’s the curious part: according to the Sacramento County Coroner’s Office, Strange apparently died from water intoxication after drinking over two liters of water.

I’m fairly certain I won’t die from drinking too much, but, in the unlikely event I do, it won’t be from water intoxication.

20 January 2007
On Longevity
Lynn’s seventy-five years old tomorrow, so I’m at her place in Petaluma to start the party early. I hope I also live to be seventy-five, but only if I’m as healthy and energetic as she is.

According to researchers at the University of Warwick in England, I can extend my lie by a couple of years ... (Oops; I meant to write “my life.” I’m glad I don’t believe in Freudian slips.)

According to researchers at the University of Warwick in England, I can extend my life by a couple of years by winning the Nobel prize.

“Status seems to work a kind of health-giving magic,” explained Andrew Oswald. “Once we do the statistical corrections, walking across that platform in Stockholm apparently adds about two years to a scientist’s lifespan. How status does this, we just don’t know.”

Although I’m not a bettor, I’d wager that Oswald may have a good chance at winning the Ig Nobel prize. If so, I wonder if and how that will affect his longevity?

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21 January 2007
Therefore I Am
I had a dream about a new art work. The idea was quite simple, even for me. The piece consisted of a hundred-dollar bill with the words “Therefore I Am” printed underneath.

The strange thing isn’t that I thought of it; most people have curious dreams. No, the unusual thing about this experience is that I liked the idea after I awoke; I even fancied making the piece after drinking several cups of espresso.

So I did. Therefore I Am.

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©2007 David Glenn Rinehart