2006 Notebook: Weak XI
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13 March 2006
No. 5,606 (cartoon)
You’re mean and cruel.

You know that’s not true.

I’ve never inadvertently hurt anyone.

14 March 2006
Tomatoes Kill at Least Ten in Midwest
I was struck by the curious headline, “Tomatoes Kill at Least Ten in Midwest.” It turns out the story was about killer whirlwinds on steroids, not lethal vegetables. (Note to self: is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?)

I really should get some good reading glasses.

Having said that, I note the headline in later editions was changed to, “Twisters Devastate Midwest.” I wonder if that’s because the publishers received complaints from other readers with poor eyesight, or did they bow to pressure from the powerful Tomato Anti-defamation League?

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15 March 2006
Plain Sight Isn’t
I enjoy my walks with Cheri for myriad reasons, not the least of which is her vision. She regularly points out things in plain sight that I otherwise would not have seen.

Why this is I do not know; it’s probably because I’m not that observant. Or, more probably, because plain sight isn’t.

16 March 2006
Rhonda’s Unforgettable
I lent Rhonda, a woman who works nearby, twenty dollars a few weeks ago. When I ran into her today, she apologized for not having any cash with her.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “my cash flow’s fine. And anyway, owing me money is a good way of ensuring that I’ll never forget you.”

Rhonda thought my remark was clever. It was, but it wasn’t my remark; I appropriated it from Oscar Wilde. “It is only by not paying one’s bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.”

17 March 2006
Bike Accident Etiquette
Some idiot ran Dr. Goggin off the road. The idiot was in a large car and Dr. Goggin was on his bike; it wasn’t much of a contest.

“Are you hurt?” I asked after he told me the news over the telephone.

When I didn’t receive an immediate reply, I realized I’d made a terrible faux pas. I should have first asked him how his bicycle fared after the accident.

After my little slip-up, I can report that Dr. Goggin’s bike is fine.

And as for Dr. Goggin? Who cares?

18 March 2006
Roscoe’s Excellent Advice
“Never pet a burning dog,” Roscoe advised.

“That’s excellent advice,” I agreed. “What else would you suggest?”

“Can’t think of anything at the moment,” Roscoe replied.

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©2006 David Glenn Rinehart