2005 Notebook: Weak XLI
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9 October 2005
No. 9,142 (cartoon)
You’re despicable.

How can you say that?

How could I not?

10 October 2005
Granny Likes A Small Glass Of Whisky
“If you ever need to spell the word Glasgow,” Ewan advised, “just remember Granny Likes A Small Glass Of Whisky.”

“Thanks,” I replied, “I’ll try to remember that.”

I was really grateful for the information. I think that’s probably the most useless advice I’ve ever received. And considering all the pointless advice I’ve been given, that’s remarkable.

Who’d ever need to spell Glasgow, anyway? When I’m in that neck of the world, Every Dumb Idea Needs Better Understanding Regarding Gorging Haggis is the place to be.

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11 October 2005
I’m always surprised when I see Alice. Unlike last time, she said nothing today; she just stared unto the sun like a sphinx. Everything tasted very warm, warmer than the sun.

12 October 2005
An Unwelcome Debunking
Daniel Bonn really annoys me. The Van der Waals-Zeeman Institute researcher has concluded that it’s impossible to involuntarily drown in quicksand.

The news from the University of Amsterdam debunks the popular mythology that unwary hikers can be sucked under the surface of a pool of killer quicksand. And that’s too bad; I feel like I’ve lost a bit of my childhood, namely all the time I pissed away watching dastardly villains drown in quicksand. I suppose tomorrow I’ll read that there really aren’t large sections of the Amazon rainforest dominated by prehistoric reptiles.

A pox on tedious scientists everywhere!

13 October 2005
Grammatical Terrorist
Graham works in a small office building, where he terrorizes some anonymous minion of the landlord. Here’s how he does it.

The landlord likes to post lots of notices in the building; they all go something like, “As per the request of management, kindly refrain from urinating in the sink.” The building is full of signs noting management’s requests to arrange rugs neatly, keep the trash bins tidy, that sort of thing. And they all begin, “As per the request of management ...”

When a new set of notices goes up, Graham takes a fat pen and crosses out the “As” in “As per the request of management ...” The landlord’s flunky (or might it be the landlord?), chagrined at the grammatical faux pas, then puts up a new edition of signs a few weeks later that all begin, “Per the request of management ...”

And that’s when Graham grabs his pen and writes “As” before “Per” on each and every sign, thus starting the cycle all over again.

Tee hee!

14 October 2005
A Somewhat Ambiguous Conceptual Recipe
Kara asked me how to make my hot pasta dish, so I emailed her the documentation.

    Comingle warm peanut butter (it’s less viscous that in that state), a reasonable amount of sesame oil, some soy sauce, lots crushed garlic, and as much hot sauce as possible. Mix the concoction up with a bunch of noodles and sprinkle chopped green onions throughout. Don’t eat too much at once unless you can’t help it.

Was Kara grateful? She was not.

“You call that gibberish a recipe?” she wrote. “A few specifics would be appreciated.”

“Sorry,” I replied, “I prefer conceptual recipes instead of blueprints.”

Poor Kara, I’m afraid she’ll never know the joy of my noodles until I concoct them for her again. And that’s fine, for my noodles are worth the wait. Ask any glutton!

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©2005 David Glenn Rinehart