2004 Notebook: Weak XXIII
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5 June 2004
No. 3,287 (cartoon)
I’m so sick and tired.

Sick and tired of what?

Of being so sick and tired.

6 June 2004
Good Riddance, Vegetable Ronnie
What a party! Ronald Reagan’s body, the affable vegetable, is finally dead. The “news” media are full of sentimental stories about America’s senile grandparent, but those of us at the lab remember a different Reagan. The idiot who secretly funded nun-raping, murderous, Central American mercenaries, then called them “great patriots.” The moron who gave huge tax cuts to the rich, paid for some of it by cutting affordable housing support by seventy-five percent, then lamented there was nothing the government could do about people who preferred to sleep on a sidewalk instead of under a roof. The homophobic cretin who ignored an epidemic and never used the acronym AIDS in public until his last days in office. And so on.

We had quite a celebration; good fucking riddance.

7 June 2004
The Unforgettable Aroma of Flint
I’m writing this in Flint, Michigan, where “French roast coffee” means weak, coffee-flavored water with a little splash of cheap perfume in it. It tastes like the sludge from a gonorrhea-infected washing basin at a dingy Ukrainian brothel. At least I imagine it does, even though I’ve never been to the Ukraine. It couldn’t be worse than Flint.

8 June 2004
Behind the Curtain in Appleteon
The Outagamie Museum in Appleton, Wisconsin—one purported birthplace of Harry Houdini—features detailed explanations of the trickster’s technical gimmicks. This has annoyed a lot of alleged magicians, who generally maintain an informal code of conduct that prohibits them from revealing the trade secrets behind their “magic.”

Walter “Zaney” Blaney, someone no one’s ever heard of, claimed, “all magicians have decided among themselves that they will boycott the museum. I’m talking worldwide.”

I don’t know what all the hubbub’s about; everyone knows that magicians lie; that’s their job description. After all, Houdini was born in Hungary, not the United States. I think it’s great when people reveal magicians’ little scams; that allows us to fully appreciate real magic on those rare experiences when we’re completely overwhelmed by it.

9 June 2004
A Questionable Technical Advance
Today, the Apple corporation introduced a new line of faster computers. I welcomed the news; I can always waste time more efficiently with a faster computer.

I noted with some concern, however, that the fastest computer is cooled by liquids, not the usual fans that dissipate heat. Even though computer software is notoriously unreliable, at least the hardware is fairly dependable since there are almost no moving parts except the data storage devices.

I haven’t had a chance to review the technical specifications of the new models, but it doesn’t take a vivid imagination to envision calling a plumber to fix a broken computer.

10 June 2004
Not a Typo
Alicia wrote, “I need to here from you soon.”

I knew it wasn’t a typo, so I bought a ticket to Tierra del Fuego. It will be a joy to see Alicia again, and to be immediately surrounded by two oceans for the first time in my life.

11 June 2004
Boneless Arm
I saw a man with a boneless arm in the park today, what an incredible sight! His arm just hung off his shoulder like a big, limp sausage that swung and wiggled as he walked. When he bent over a faucet to get a drink of water, the arm with its jelly fingers flopped against the wall.


I wonder what it’s like to have a boneless limb? I have an amputated finger, but with the bone intact it’s surprisingly efficacious.

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©2004 David Glenn Rinehart