2004 Notebook: Weak XII
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20 March 2004
No. 1,817 (cartoon)
I know I can’t do it.

I doubt I can, either.

You’re such an optimist.

21 March 2004
Footprints, Molars, and Incisors
Juanita and I spent a lovely afternoon savoring a long conversation over adult beverages. We talked about this, that, and the other thing, including our many rewarding friendships. I used a very bad analogy to describe the joy my friends bring me, something about how everyone leaves footprints in other people’s landscapes.

“That sounds remarkably unpassionate,” Juanita replied, “my friends leave their teeth marks—molars as well as incisors—all over me.”

I didn’t ask whether she meant that literally or metaphorically, some things are best left unspoken.

22 March 2004
Fuck All Y’all
Remi huffed in a big, big huff, a-huffing loudly about some trivial, alleged affront.

“You should consider my friend Cotton’s admonition,” I advised, “Always ask yourself if they just might be right.”

Remi was light years away from listening mode, and responded with a canned reply.

“You know what I think?” he asked rhetorically, “Fuck ’em.”

Remi pulled out his notebook and showed me a Miles Davis quote.

“Dumb, insensitive critics have destroyed a lot of great music and musicians who just weren’t as strong as I was in having the ability to say ‘Fuck y’all.’ ”

Remi refused to entertain the possibility he might be wrong, so I changed the subject.

23 March 2004
Stupider Than Sex
Recently, a San Francisco newspaper printed an article citing scientific evidence that answered James Thurber and E.B. White’s famous query, “Is Sex Necessary?”

The answer, as it turns out, is “no.”

Bdelloid rotifers, among the least unusual microscopic critters on the planet, have done very well for themselves ever since all the males died out millions of years ago.

Some three-quarters of a century ago, Thurber and White wrote, “There is an erroneous impression current nowadays that sex is everything. Nothing could be more stupid.” That’s just wrong wrong. Men are more stupid; we always have been and we always will be.

24 March 2004
The Narrenschiff
My ignorance knows no boundaries, and so it is that I just learned about the narrenschiff, colloquially known as, “the ship of fools.” If what I read was true, in the middle ages people considered insane were cast out of the walled cities. These people—almost certainly my distant relatives—wandered around in search of their promised land, the mythical Kingdom of Folly.

I feel sorry for my unknown ancestors. Had they been born a few centuries later, they would have discovered the Kingdom of Folly. I love my base in San Francisco; it’s a lovely kingless kingdom.

25 March 2004
A Pseudo-Religious Experience
Brett wobbled wobbly toward me with a ridiculous grin.

“I’m having a religious experience!” Brett announced with blurred, slurred speech.

“The second coming of your liver?” I asked.

“No, I’m walking! Walking!” Brett exclaimed.

“Two-year olds do it every day,” I pointed out. “What’s the big deal?”

“Hell, anyone can walk on water,” Brett claimed, “But I’m clearly blessed to be able to walk on this much vodka.”

Since I’m more or less agnostic, I steered Brett to a couch, where he collapsed. In all probability he’ll rise again; I certainly hope so. I hate dealing with police paperwork.

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©2004 David Glenn Rinehart