2002 Notebook: Weak XXXI
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30 July 2002
No. 5,502 (cartoon)
I’m disappointed.

Disappointment is what you sought, no?

Of course. That’s why I’m disappointed.

31 July 2002
Spotting a Pregnancy
Stephanie is in a rancid mood. Rancid, rancid, rancid.

Steph took a week off from work, and now three of her coworkers have asked her if she’s pregnant. The three ignorami are, of course, men.

Steph doesn’t look close to being pregnant, but that didn’t stop the three unwise men from asking whether or not she was expecting a child. What stupidity!

Although I may not be too smart, even I know never to ask a woman whether she’s pregnant unless I can clearly observe a child emerging.

Pregnant woman are like Texans: if they are, they’ll say so.

1 August 2002
Roxy Sans Music
Yesterday Dr. Alston introduced me to her new car, Roxy.

“I can’t hear the word ‘Roxy’ without thinking of ‘Roxy Music,’” I said.

“Are you talking about the Radio City Rockettes?” she asked.

“No, the musical ensemble,” I replied. “You know, Brian Eno, Phil Manzanera, Bryan Ferry, and the other lads.”

“I’ve never heard of them,” Dr. Alston admitted. “Who are they?”

I took a few moments to compose a relevant response.

“They are accomplished musicians who achieved popular recognition before you were conceived,” I replied.

My answer surprised both of us.

2 August 2002
Conceptual Crumbs
Amanda had a bad day, and decided to take it out on the pigeons and seagulls we saw on our walk to a burrito parlour.

“What are you doing in the city?!” she yelled. “You’ve got wings, get out while you can!”

“David,” she asked after a pause, “why do birds stay in the middle of the city when they could fly away?”

And that’s when I had my epiphany.

“Crumbs,” I answered.

“Crumbs?” she replied.

“We live in a fat, wasteful society,” I explained. “The birds are here for the literal crumbs; I’m here for the conceptual crumbs. Who wants to work?”

Amanda stopped shouting at my fellow gleaners.

3 August 2002
Dr. Techno’s Remarkable Guarantee
It’s Saturday in San Francisco. That means I have more opportunities than time. I like that unambiguous ratio; that’s one of the many reasons I spend so much of my time here.

For a while, I considered going to The Technomania Circus Early Bird Turkey Feed. I wasn’t particularly attracted to the culinary angle; I’m not interested in joining lots of predators feeding off the same carcass (unless we’re on the Serengeti). The interesting part of the invitation was, “Dr. Techno’s remarkable guarantee.”

“You will enjoy the show,” the impresario promised, “or I will personally clean your house.”

I don’t have a house, so I instead decided to go to the party with magnums (magni?) of champagne.

4 August 2002
Why Scots Wear Kilts
After many liters of champagne at last night’s party, the conversation turned to reincarnation. I asked why everyone who claimed to have lived a previous life was always a wise ruler, a brave warrior, a philosopher, a musician, et cetera. What happened to all the peasants, serfs, and people who never amounted to anything?

“I used to be a sheep in a past life,” volunteered Amy.

“Really?” I asked.

“Really,” she replied.

“If that’s true,” I said, “then tell me why Scots wear kilts.”

“Have you ever tried to chase sheep with your pants around your ankles?” Amy queried.

I know better than to answer rhetorical questions, so I didn’t.

5 August 2002
Breathing My Own Fumes
I’m in trouble. I’m breathing my own fumes. This can’t be good. I need some fresh air.

6 August 2002
An Intriguing Offer, Declined
Edith sent me classified advertisement, with a brief cover note, “Sounds like your kind of adventure.”

    Wanted! Somebody to go back in time with me!

    THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You will get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons! Extensive computer skills are required.

    Saefty [sic] is not guaranteed. I have only done this TWICE before. Last guy who answered did not return home with me.

    ONLY SERIOUS RESPONSES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Plan to leave in a few weeks.

I agreed with Edith; it was an intriguing offer. On the other hand, I’ve learned not to trust people who abuse capitalization and punctuation.

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©2002 David Glenn Rinehart